Like my first time and then that last time was horrible. It never felt good it was just pressure and pain down there. 

Everyone says oh you just need a steady boy friend that you can do it with.

Meaning that I need to have a lot more sex for it to be better.

But it kinda scares me. 

When the guy is naked and I glance down at his penis (which I can’t help) and it is like a monster coming to get me.

And then during it i am shaking and scared and just want to push them off me. 

Plus I never liked making out…it’s never been enjoyable.

In fact I have never enjoyed being in a relationship. Yet I crave one.

Actually my fantasy has always been getting with a guy (usually I imagine a Marine I don’t know why) who is older and idk..

I don’t wanna go into details…but I love sex in my fantasy and I love cuddling and kissing.

Am I dysfunctional? I think I am suppose to enjoy getting close to someone and doing all the couple things but I just don’t. I get scared or bored or annoyed and end up ending the relationship…

What am I suppose to do?  

but eating a lot.

Im hoping if I can get a corset so tight I can’t breath then I would eat as much.

I totally just binged on a bag of Takis and peach rings. Not the worst I’ve done but that bag was emptied in like two minutes. Now I am suppressing the urge to go throw up. It kinda helps that I don’t wanna go through having the spicy chips inflame my nose and throat.

I need to stop going to the store with my dad. What am I gonna do when I move out? 

Maybe I will just do those meals like the Jenny Craig? I think that’s what it is. 

I want my treadmill back!!! 

Ugh…even with all this struggle I still wanna go down to the store and get coconut creme pie…

I have another tumblr account. It seems to depress me. Some how I have obtained a ton of blogs that post beautiful women. I hate seeing them…but it’s all so artistic and beautiful and I am so jealous or curious.

Even the big girls look so beautiful. 

I wish I could be like that. They have a pretty face so they can pull it off. 

I look at my school ID or pictures my friends take and I look sooo awful. So broad and round faced and just thick all around I don’t know hot to fix it.

Is lame.

Kinda

I dunno I really hate two classes because I don’t know anyone and it’s like all these preppy girls who look like they sleep in tanning beds. (I may just be jealous causet hey are full white and I am half hispanic and they are tanner than I am) 

Now I don’t judge people based on their appearance I had half of these girls last year. They are skinny stylish and their hair is never out of place. They make me feel dumb.

Like..I made the mistake of complimenting one and she goes “Oh I like your….uhhh” *thinks for awhile* “Your smile…its nice….” 

Thanks….I am sure my teeth will eventually be ruined by the stomach acid from trying to look like you.Excuse the dehydrated look on my face its from wearing one of those body shaper things and it’s like 100 degrees outside which is awful. 

Worst night ever

So I went to a (male) friends place.

We played chess.

Then we played strip chess.

I pretty much lost. Was down to my panties and eventually (with cheating and him letting me) Got him completely naked.

So of course we started making out. (it was gross) Then we took it upstairs.

He did the usual put a condom on got on top of me. Stuck it in…he tried to force it in (I say force cause I’ve only had sex once and that was at the beginning of summer so it’s been almost a month or two) It hurt I asked him to go slower and ease it in. He got it in I guess (I wasn’t sure how big he was but I asked if it was all the way there..I think I may have hurt his feelings cause it was…but I didn’t mean it like that I just wanted to know how much more pain I had to go through) and he was humping. I asked for him to suck on my breast he did and all this happened for like…lets say a minute or two. He stopped and started laughing asked if I needed to go on top. I said no. He tried again (like three humps) He asked me turn around.  I was freaked out I thought he wanted to like do anal. He told me i twas just doggy style so I turned around. I was laying flat ( it was a bunk bed I was going to let him get on top of me then I would go in position so that we could avoid accidents) He laughed and said turn around (this all happen in like two seconds) he just kept laughing said he could go on.

The rest of the time was him taunting me kinda. Like “I can’t believe you I’m not gonna make fun of you but I can’t believe you”  ”You need to watch more porn” “I just can’t fucking do this”  He ran out went down staris and grabbed his clothes (I took mine upstairs) It was soo awkward he wanted me out of the house so I called friends and held back my tears. We just watched tv and he said “Don’t tell anyone or at least anyone that know both of us.” “Maybe you just need to relax or like i dunno get lube if you need that” “Hahaha if I see this on FML I’m gonna laugh I’m, not gonna take credit for this but I’m gonna laugh” ect. 

I don’t know what to do. Am I so horrible at sex that I turn guys off while they are in me!? 

I mean what the hell. I feel awful. I feel disgusting. HE WAS IN ME AND I TURNED HIM OFF!? I made him laugh! 

God it’s like….I don’t even know…my already low self esteem has just shot down even lower. 

Help me??

Beautiful girl. She has nice curves which make anything attractive. But besides the physical her I love her confidence. 

Aww I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make it sad. It’s just this is the only place I can put these thoughts without someone judging me or getting mad at me.